first time submitter looking for feedback
on Oct 26, 2017
Thanks for submitting. I'm gonna agree with Oliver and Tom. Pick up the pacing, switch up the locations, get a full story going. I liked the premise of the show from the fun opening sequence but it didn't really seem to play into it (the focus seemed more on saying the name Rob Cordrry).
Keep submitting next year!
Nov 10, 2017 at 4:52am
Act 1 is them not being able to pay for their food. Chose which puns surrounding this that you like and condense them in there.
Act 2: Is them at the strip club. The situation gets worse. Now they have ran out on a meal, and are using fake money (for example). They flee.
Act 3: Is a confession, or a repayment, or a consequence etc.
5 minutes might not seem like a long time, but it's long enough for a rough 3-act structure. If you're thinking in those terms, then your plot will speed up greatly, and you'll have more opportunity for joke writing.
Side note: The 'camera' (for a better word) zooming in all the time is obnoxious. The joke lands occasionally, but otherwise, I feel you're overcompensating for lack of movement in the scene - physically and narrative - and this would be fixed with a quicker plot + more locations (backgrounds).
Hope that helps.
Oct 27, 2017 at 4:27pm
This felt like it really dragged on. I think pacing is a problem with this one - I know animation is really hard to do but I think something engaging has to happen. The waiter repeated the same jokes that were funny the first time but didn't land after, and there was too much of his character when it didn't work. I just think maybe something more needs to happen, something that will really entertain an audience - through animation loads of really cool stuff could have happened, but this felt like it could have just been two live-action people talking. The animation of the eyes was funny.
Oct 26, 2017 at 6:04pm
Made my first 5 minute cartoon this month: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xKML34G40mo
Didn't make it in, and wanted get some feedback to do better next year.
Oct 26, 2017 at 5:03pm
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