Sugar Daddies Rejected Pilot Feedback Please
on Oct 27, 2017
I liked watching this, and wouldn't be able to comment as I shall if not for reading the criticism below. Meaning, it's a subtle thing that I would advise on changing.
The premise is that rock candy is drugs. The jokes therefore (presumably) come from the parallel between candy (our associations of childhood, of sugar highs, of addiction to candy) with those similarities in drugs. And you do this, and the show has a lot of charm as a result.
I think the issue that Oliver is highlighting is that this premise is not tied to the plot necessarily. Other than that they are dealing in candy, the rest of the show reads like a typical drug drama. That said, there's little foreshadowing of the direction of the plot throughout.
If I ask myself "what was the plot," I'd say: "Two people run a drug business - they have a conflicting dynamic. In the end, they run into sketchy business... And drugs are candy."
That said, production, props, acting and all that are ace - likely better than what I could do.
I'd ask myself: How does candy impact the drug trade, the conflicts involved, the war on drugs etc. How is this funny? Then how do I centre that around my plot.
For instance: Money is now fish. I'm writing a drama in the stock exchange, and they're trading fish, so my plot is: How do we trade fish? This is mad. That guy is doing it well though, he's figured out a system. I'll try and copy it. Damn I failed, but I discovered that I have an intuition about the value of fish as a result of or as foreshadowed in act 1.
The subtle, but essential difference is that the plot surrounds the pun (albeit not a funny one in my case).
I hope that helps. I'm new to producing for Channel 101 myself, but have a lot of writing experience outside of it. Looking forward to seeing future content from you.
Oct 27, 2017 at 4:53pm
Hi Michael. We struggled with really understanding what the story was, it seemed a little incoherent other than the fact that you were making candy instead of drugs. If that is your premise and your punchline, that is where the comedy should come from, so play that up instead of being bogged down in too much set-up. Just making sure you have a clear, concise plot for the pilot will definitely help more of the jokes land. The idea is good though so don't give up on that. We really liked the cool props - the sugar stick thing looked particularly cool.
Oct 27, 2017 at 1:58pm
Hello first time submitter to Channel 101, my show Sugar Daddies was unfortunately rejected. Would just like to see what people think of it, and what I can do next go around to make it to Prime Time. Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=444KZAAfWlQ
Oct 27, 2017 at 2:36am
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