Rejectee Therapy for Feedback for "The Dunkers"
Started by Sean Adair on Jul 27, 2019
  • Stephen,

    Thanks for the detailed feedback. I really appreciate it.

    The story is of a guy who is happy with his situation but who wants a kiss from his wife. He battles with her, but gets rejected because of his racist and misogynist views, so he apologizes, takes a shower, and gets a hug but pays a heavy price by not getting the kiss he wants and so he returns to his former situation having changed. Its much closer to the guy replacing his tire side of Dan Harmon's story circle than "Die Hard" but it's there and with no detours. However, I accept the critique that I didn't properly convey that to you as an audience member and it is relatively static and dialog driven.

    I love “Trash Planet”! It’s a great series that ended too soon. I also think “All in the Family”, “Honeymooners”, “I Love Lucy”, “Cheers”, “Friends”, “Seinfeld”, “Arrested Development” and “Community” all have great examples of characters having hilarious conversations in a single location for a whole episode or multiple seasons.

    The audio quality could be better but I can clearly understand each line of dialog, I personally love both performances and I don’t think cameras should be static however art is subjective and I always seek to improve. I also find your commentary on the sausage shot interesting. I had the whole shot of her standing where she was in the previous shot and then walking to the stove, but cut it to increase punchiness which resulted in the jump cut you critiqued while saying I should stay punchy. C'est la vie.

    Ultimately, I am glad the spinning hat gag made you laugh twice. I can ask for no higher praise.

    I already shot a brand new pilot and the gang is getting back together tomorrow to probably film a sequel to this one. I will certainly be thinking about your feedback when we film. Thanks again for watching twice and commenting!

    -Sean
    Aug 10, 2019 at 5:53am
  • Hey Sean!

    Here's my thoughts:

    I think the biggest thing to improve on would be the story. I found myself pretty uninvested pretty fast, watching this, and I think it's because I wasn't sure why I was watching, or what to expect in terms of the story. It was a conversation between two people for most of it, which is pretty tough to sustain interest in, especially as a standalone episode. I wasn't sure what either character's goal was, so it ended up feeling like the conversation existed mainly to deliver punchy jokes through dialogue. Without anything else going on in terms of story, this is super hard to do. I think a way to make things more compelling would be to establish a problem for the main character right away, and spend the episode having him or her try to solve it, ideally growing in the process.

    Make sure every line in your script is absolutely necessary and motivated. If it's not advancing the story or setting up/telling a killer joke, you can almost certainly do without it.

    A channel 101 episode that successfully consisted almost entirely of two characters talking the whole time was the first episode of Trash Planet. I think that maintained interest by establishing a clear set of goals for each character up front, and was then able to get laughs. Probably a good episode to study.

    Though production value can definitely be low for Ch. 101 without impacting a video's chance of success, I do think there were some production issues with this that were distracting enough to detract from the experience. Many of the lines came across stilted or awkward; I think this is due to a couple things. First is the camera placement; it shifts around from shot to shot, rather than staying consistent. Another is sound, which is tough unless you get a dedicated sound guy (and even then can be tough), but I do think that would go a long way; some of the lines were just hard to understand. That aside, though, I also think you could benefit a lot from playing with the audio and where exactly you want their lines to start and finish, to avoid any dead space between lines. This slows things down, and you always want things to be as snappy and quick as possible. Finally, try to avoid any jarring jumps in where people are (for example, when she has the pan in response to him asking for the sausage).

    I loved the bit where his hat spun around his head; I watched it twice and that made me laugh both times. I hope this feedback was helpful, and that you keep submitting!
    Aug 08, 2019 at 5:55am
  • Feedback is always appreciated.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HeQ4s8zUiGY
    Jul 27, 2019 at 6:34am
You have to log in to comment. If you aren't registered yet, Sign Up!