Would appreciate any feedback on "Clark" - https://youtu.be/4VV6iV2zncw
on Jan 24, 2020
I thought this was real cool. Sweet art style, and I liked the ideas behind the world and the main character.
I think the whole thing could feel a little bit punchier. Playing around with the pacing and upping the joke count would probably go a long way. Hope you keep submitting!
Jan 30, 2020 at 2:39pm
Thank you guys so much, it means a lot that you are willing to spend time giving feedback to strangers on the internet.
I'll definitely keep trying to write funnier. It's tough to track that kind of progress, but I feel like I'm getting better - albeit slowly.
Jan 28, 2020 at 7:10pm
I basically 2nd everything Matt said.
Please continue to submit. I think you have a lot of potential.
Jan 27, 2020 at 10:27am
I think there were a lot of cool elements in this pilot.
The art style is unique, the pacing is pretty good.
I think ultimately the jokes could have been a little better. Many of the jokes didn't land for me.
It's hard to get better at joke writing, but watching stuff you write performed can be helpful.
I used to be in a writers group in LA where we'd have actors perform our stuff and it was really beneficial to see what jokes worked and what didn't.
Also self contained stories tend to do better at 101.
Anyway, I think this had a lot of promise and I hope you keep submitting pilots.
Jan 25, 2020 at 9:59pm
Thanks for the great feedback, and yeah I get what you mean with the voices. Part of its probably because we recorded the lines one by one in my friends closet, and none of us are actors. Next time I'll try to do some real casting (or take a class or something).
Jan 24, 2020 at 10:13pm
Personally, I really really dig the art style. The characters are stylized without being grotesque (as happens a lot with home grown animation), and the very comic-y aesthetic really worked for me.
Specifically, the overt dotting & paper texture patterns were great, and I really dug the transition down the side of the building. Animation gives the freedom to do cool stuff like that, and it's awesome seeing it taken advantage of.
I thought that the jokes were funny, but there's probably some way to make the timing a little punchier, and have them land with more impact.
Part of it was the audio; the voices were a little quiet in their delivery, and I think it would have benefited if Clark had a more imposing voice, or at least a more resonate one.
Overall, I would really love to see more of this kind of Deadpool-esque noir parody, with the hero just being shitty at his job, and everyone kind of exasperated but tolerant of him. Really cool style.
Jan 24, 2020 at 9:06pm
There are definitely some things like joke timing which dont work as well as I would like them too, but I would really appreciate an outsiders perspective on the project. At the moment the only people who have seen it are those who worked on it so, you know, not quite unbiased.
Jan 24, 2020 at 5:38pm
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