on Aug 30, 2013
I love space stuff and lifeguard stuff so I was ready to ride for this show, but it didn't quite come together.
I think this is structurally sound. But there was far too much exposition. In most good 101 shows, there is maybe a sentence of exposition. Also who cares about what happened before the episode, just make the episode about what IS happening.
You could have used the premise more, if it is set on the moon, I want more moon jokes and space jokes.
But like Dave said, this pilot had a lot going for it, well shot, good sound, well structured. It's just a matter of going thru the script and taking out all the boring/ not funny stuff and only leaving stuff that drives the story and is funny.
I also agree with Dave about the green screen stuff. I like green screen stuff, but sometimes it's better to go homemade with locations (see skyfall).
I think a moon set show shot in garages and in the desert would be really cool.
Anyways, great premise and great production value, definitely was in contention.
Aug 30, 2013 at 10:19pm
I really appreciate the in-depth, thoughtful feedback (and quick response). WE WILL BE BACK!
I co-created Octane Pistols of Fury from NYC, but I'm here now.
Aug 30, 2013 at 1:36pm
I wanted to like this more than I did. Great cast, great costumes. We talked about this one for awhile, because it has a bunch of the bases covered - we know what's happening, we know what the story is, we can hear everyone...
But information overload. Way too much backstory and information. You might think your act 2 twists are clever, but that kind of stuff doesn't get a lot of mileage in a 5-minute show. I feel like that moon cave scene is 45 seconds of characters talking about their motivations instead of doing anything and then they finally shoot lasers at each other.
Have you guys submitted before? It'd be cool to see you guys do something that's not a green screen show. Sometimes that technique plays against you. I understand the desire to make something that doesn't take place in an apartment, and locations are tough, but I think you'd be better served to get off the green screen. Steal shots at Vasquez Rocks and color correct it to look like the moon. Put a bunch of crumpled brown butcher paper on the walls of your garage and pretend that's your moon cave. There's other ways to go.
I wanted to like this more. I look forward to your next submission, because I think you have so much stuff already working in your favor, and probably have all the tools to make a really rad 101 show.
Aug 30, 2013 at 1:24pm
Thanks for any feedback!
Aug 30, 2013 at 12:40pm
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